5 Reasons Lou Reed is Wack

Lou Reed is an "elder statesman of rock," which means most of the things in America are in some way attributable to him. Heroin chic? That's because of his cheekbones, not Kate's. Distortion and feedback? Him. Ambi-hetero/queer-fi/S&M/glam? Totes him. And Bowie, sure, but Lou kept his eyebrows which meant he was still hardcore about being a dude. I acknowledge all of this, but am still calling him out as a Wack-ille O'Neal because he's mean. And being mean means all the cool shit you ever did is tainted with the smell of poo. Sorry, I don't make the rules. 

Like one time, my mom was in an elevator with Tiger Woods, just the two of them, and she was like, "Mr. Woods?" and he looked at her and then looked away and totally ignored her. For like, nine floors. Now whenever I see that guy on TV, I'm like, "Sweet. Good thing you ignored my mom in an elevator, Gene Wack-man! Ya douche."

ANYWAY, Lou Reed and his Wackness. Go.

*This was originally posted on The 21 Gun Salute as a Point/Counterpoint, which was more succinct and funnier than this, but I said I hated Lou Reed in that one, which isn't true; He's just a Wack Efron.