Cheesy Beefy Melt: A Modern Tragedy

ACT I: BIRTH

Surely it was pitched in a room with a very long table, but it was almost certainly born onto a company strategist's cubicle desk. After months of thinking and re-thinking what Taco Bell's next move would be, after painstakingly re-evaluating the seven core principles of the brand (for the record: beef, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, beans, sour cream, and tortillas) and after the orgiastic screams had finally died down following the successful launch of the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, they finally had something. Their next big deal: A burrito. 

"But not just any burrito. It's got beef in it. And cheese."

"Two of our core principles. I like what I hear so far. What else does it have?"

"That's it."

"Now Brad, how can you expect Joe Sixpa-"

"No, Dean. Nothing else. We take the crunch away and now it's even easier to eat. Goes right down."

"I don't know. I'm hesitant. What do you plan on calling this thing?"

"Well it's cheesy and beefy so the boys and I were thinking of calling it the Cheesy Beefy."

"Now that I like! How about the Cheesy Beefy Melt. Makes it sound even easier to eat."

"A-fucking-men."

"We did it again. I'm pulling the trigger on this."

ACT II: LIFE
The Cheesy Beefy Melt - or Cheefy - holds its own against its siblings on the menu. Sales are strong in the test markets. Ingredients are minimal, saving money and prep time. Complaints of excessive crunchiness drop to zero. Taco Bell may have invented the perfect food item. Our men get confident. 

"Brad, we're going national with this bitch."

"Nice!"

"I want buys in every market. Commercials, commercials, commercials and I'm talking Superbowl big. I want this beefy motherfucker everywhere."

"Just say when, Dean."

"Now, motherfucker! I want CBM's on every corner. I want people falling in love while they eat these bitches. I want Arabs and Israelis living together because of this. I want my dog to speak English because he wants one so bad. I want to see CHEEZEE BEEFY graffitied in the subway. If it's 1900 and I look up and see a bunch of old timey construction workers having lunch on an I-beam, they all better be eatin' Cheefies!"

"Dean, that doesn't make any sen-"

"Holy shit. That gives me an idea. Our commercial for this thing... get Brett Ratner on the phone like fuckin' now!"

ACT III: DEATH

As The Matrix Revolutions taught us, everything that has a beginning has an end and when your everything is a burrito, people are quick to move on. Taco Bell and its seven core principles are lacking the mobility to do new things. The Colonel gets another facelift and Pizza Hut starts selling presidential candidates, but Taco Bell struggles to stay relevant. Or maybe it isn't that the Bell is falling into relative obscurity as much as their marketing campaign for the Cheesy Beefy is just profoundly disturbing. 

"Brad! Why the fuck isn't anyone eating our CBM's anymore?"

"Got a sec? We need to talk about the campaign. Look at this picture."

"Looks delicious."

"It literally looks like a human body being ripped in half."

"Well now, I don't know about that-"

"And what's with that commercial, Dean?"

"What do you-"

"Oh, come on! Are you really gonna make me say it? 

"Say what?"

"Jesus. It looks like everyone is holding a cock and they all have jizz oozing out of their mouths. You do see that, right? Everyone eating a Cheefy is sucking a big fat dick."

"Huh. You're right. Well. Um. At least they look happy."

"No, they look possessed. They look strung out like girls in pornos are. And by the way, maybe it's not such a good idea to put DEATH HIMSELF in the commercial eating one of our products. Might send the wrong message, maybe."

"But focus groups said that Family Guy is relev-"

"No. Wrong. We need to pull the plug on this. We need to kill the Cheesy Beefy Melt. Oh, also! Modern English, man? For real? I'm afraid to ask, but how much did we pay for that damn song?"

"Four."

"Fuck. That's crumbelievable."