Michael Phelps, As Your Publicist, I'm Trying To Help You

"Michael, my trouble-loving young friend, we need to talk."

"Don't give me that look, you know what this is about."

"Yes. That. Now listen, buddy. Kellogg is dunzo. They're dropping you from the campaign-"

"Hey. Hey. Don't get mad at me, you beautiful Adonis. You made this choice when you let that purple haze creep into your mighty expansive lungs. But listen, my man, and this is important. Are you listening?"

"Subway is also dropping you."

"I know, I know buddy. But think about this from a corporate POV. Would you wanna sponsor a dude who is a great athlete AND smokes weed and parties all the time? Just think about it."

"OK, you're right. I guess I would too, but the point is, no one else wants to make a decision like that."

"It doesn't matter how many gold medals you have. It doesn't matter how freakishly long your arms are. That doesn't exempt you from the rules, dig?"

"Aw, shit. Don't be like that, Phamburger Phelper. Listen. Kellogg and Subway, that's what, like 11 mil in endorsements tops. Out of 100 mil. So you're not on the Corn Flakes box or the Subway fuckin' website. No biggie there. You can get that money back no problem doing something else. Look at Kate Moss. Bitch is more popular after she got caught with drugs and that bitch don't even swim!"

"Jesus, I know sticky kind bud is hardly a drug in the first place. I'm with you. I'm saying it's water under the bridge and we need to move forward. Also, you need to keep me informed, tiger. I could've handled this way better if I had a heads up and you know I'm a bad liar when I'm caught off guard. I told half the papers you were playing a 'water horn' for chrissakes."

"No shit, that's because it's not a real instrument! I had to improvise on the fly, it was three in the damn morning! I almost said it was a blow-gun, but that would've made even less sense! Anyway, it doesn't matter because now it's game time, my brah-from-another-mah. We have a meet with Nestle in 20 minutes. Nothing firm, but they need to know you're serious. Can you handle this? Show me your sober face."

"Oof. Give it another try. These people are paying attention."

"Perfect! That's the American hero I know! That is the face of a valiant sea tiger who wins medals and does not do drugs! Nail this, my perfectly chiseled Spartan warrior, and we'll both play that 'water horn' tonight."

"No no no, call your guy after the meeting."