The Mystery of Yahoo! Patrick Hosmer

There is an odd familial bond you have with the things that come up when you google yourself. Even if they're about someone else with your name. Even if they don't make any sense. There's a warrant out for a Patrick Hosmer in Badger County, Utah for an unpaid moving violation. Good old Badger County. Somehow, that's a part of me. 

I just googled myself - as I do every Sunday at 2:000PM - and found a new entry: Patrick Hosmer is a registered user of Yahoo! Answers.

For a moment, I got excited because there is another Patrick Hosmer out there and he chose an avatar that sort of looks like me. This kind of thing would warrant, at the very least, an email to the other Patrick because that is funny. But I realized that there is no other Patrick. There is only Fake Patrick.

Patrick Hosmer on Yahoo! Answers is not real. He is a ghost. And he is not someone I can bring into my life like Patrick Hosmer of Utah. Since, however, I cannot destroy this phantom besmircher of my good name, I can at least try and understand him. 

Come on, Fake Patrick Hosmer. Did you have to post in the Adolescent forum? It's bad enough you have me living with my mom. 

Trying to make sense of that is like trying to hammer nails into water to build a boat called the S.S. Confusion with me as the captain and my Cylon double as the be-tentacled Davy Jones and I don't even have a hammer to begin with and it's raining. 

Patrick Hosmer does not allow IM. Patrick Hosmer does now allow email.