Meet Taxosaurus Rex, 401Kerotops and Refundactyl

If you're like me, you don't really "get money." My grasp of dough is the same as that of a rich and isolated old geezer. If someone told me a bagel was 12 dollars, I'd be kinda sad but I'd still buy it because maybe that's what a bagel does cost. Who knows. Can't we fix the economy by just printing more money or something? From now on, every dollar bill is doubled in value. Boom. Crisis, fixed. Obama/Mister 2012. 

When I do my taxes, the process, to me, has a lot less to do with how much I earned / donated / invested and a lot more to do with what I'm wearing / the weather / magic. And if I get a little something back, it's not money that was already mine; it's a little pinch from the world's accumulated wealth (from the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin) given to me because I have good karma. Because I have rabies. Because numbers make me cross-eyed. 

I have three tax guys. They aren't dinosaurs, but they do follow a pecking order and they are 20 million years old. First I see one guy and he does a numbers thing, then I see another guy who does a little sprinkle of tax magic, and then I see the last guy who tears a whole in space and makes money happen. This year I had my notebook out the whole time so I could jot everything down and try to understand the Science of Money and How It All Worked. I ended up just writing down the highlights of our convos.

Taxosaurus Rex: "Did you donate to any charities?"

Me: "I recycle." (lie)

Taxosaurus Rex: "Close, but that doesn't count."

Refundactyl: "Make any tech purchases in '08?"

Me: "Got a phone."

Refundactyl: "Blackberry?"

Me: "iPhone."

Refundactyl: "8 or 16 gig?"

Me: "16."

Refundactyl: <type, type, type> "Any apps?"

Me: "Scrabble."

Refundactyl: "That's like a 10 dollar app."

Me: "Yeah."

Refundactyl: <type, type> "My wife told me she read that kids are doing cocaine off their iPhones. In bars."

Me: "Ah."

Refundactyl: <type, type, type> 

Me: "..."

Refundactyl: "Scrabble's nice."

401Kerotops: "I read your website."

Me: "Really?!"

401Kerotops: "You make fun of a lot of companies. Are any of them your clients?"

Me: "No."

401Kerotops: "They might be one day. You should be more careful."