Other Things J.J. Abrams Needs to Reboot

"I'll put a reboot in your ass, it's the Abrams-ican way."  - Toby Keith

Americans have a real allergy to remakes. I just read Wikipedia and apparently there's a difference between remakes, reboots and re-imaginings, but really there isn't. They all have cameos by geezers from the original and their main purpose is to introduce revered canon to a new audience by respectfully forgetting the past. And dollars. Mad dollars. The problem is most of the time, a movie gets re'd and it fails critically and commercially because the people responsible for green-lighting these bitches are dumballs and can't tell the good from the bad. 

Then J.J. rolled up to Star Trek with his remake stick and was like "Remaked, bitch." 

Suddenly, the world is bright. Everything makes sense. Christmas is saved! A good remake can change everything including more remakes.

Right now, Daniel Craig is sitting in the shower wearing a tux going, "But, but, but, but but..." and J.J. Abrams is wearing the biggest, shit-kicking steel-toed reboots in town. So here's my idea: 

Mr. Abrams has his own hidden camera show called Abrams'd!! where he ambushes people in parking lots or at the mall and he reboots the shit out of them guerilla style. He'll reboot things like...

Kanye West

Kanye. He's a Japanophile (who isn't?), he fetishizes technology, and he's already part metal. J.J. would simply make him all metal. His voice would be permanently auto-tuned. And he'd be mad Asian. Good Robot. 

American Airlines

The worst airline of all time needs a little facelift and people seemed to dig the movie, so why not spread the re-imagined love? People will really change their attitudes about American now. Especially when they find out every flight is piloted by Felicity's Keri Russell. YES HE DID!


Same as old Facebook but with more lens flares. 


Rules are meant to be rebooted, even universal ones that are all empirically proven and whatnot. We need to think outside the Realm of Possibility Box. Look, if J.J. wants a monster that attacks New York and doesn't die no matter how many missiles you fire at it, fine. If J.J. wants a secret agent college student who gets straight A's and pretends to work at a bank, fine. If J.J. wants to put people on an island that I don't really watch, cool. But don't tell J.J. he can't have a frying pan fly out my window and go through the window of my jackass upstairs neighbor and hit him in the face for trying to invent a louder hammer. Don't.

Military Interrogation 

If Homeland Security had their ducks in a row, they would've asked J.J. what to do and he would've said the scariest thing on earth is Philip Seymour Hoffman being mad at you. He would walk in and ask you questions real quiet-like and the more you hold off, the quieter and calmer he'll get. SCARY. I'd tell PSH anything just to get him to stop looking at my eyes. Oh right. That's why torture doesn't work.