And Then MySpace Decided to E-mail Me All Their Worst Ideas

So it's been a minute since I had a MySpace. Do you still do it? Is it crazy over there? Every now and again they send me an e-mail just to let me know that they have no idea what a person is or what things are.  

Not Photoshopped except for the numbers:

Hey, we're all trying to figure out what Web 2.0 means but one thing we can all agree on is Web 2.0 means rounded corners on all our boxes.

1. Listen, MySpace. I'm know I'm not young. I'm old and grouchy and I have a Life Alert, but even I know that BUZZ is the worst word on Earth. You know how frat guys get all chest-out when you call a frat a frat and not a fraternity? People in marketing should consider it their duty to get really shitty anytime someone says BUZZ. If you ask a 12 year old kid what BUZZ means, they'll probably say, "I dunno, shit that sucks?" 

2. I almost missed this. Look. MySpace is sheepishly asking to you link this on Facebook. 

3. Sigh. These are the laziest categories. What the hell is a Top Pick? MySpace, you were bought for $600 million. That's so many dollars. That means you have at least 3 people in your marketing department and an intern. Put one of those people to work on defining Top Picks, give them the whole day if you have to. If you're determined to be the new AOL 6.0 CD in my mailbox (right, old people?), you're going to start making some sense.

4. Sometimes I have panic attacks on the train when I think about the logistics of my non-existent wedding. MySpace can't send a coherent e-mail but they can outsource the living shit out of a marriage. Thank god, though. Next time I start hyperventilating, I'll just take solace in the fact that my special day could be cobbled together by children and band managers. I hope my wife likes 3OH!3

5. It sucks that you spent all that time making your profile look like an Ed Hardy shirt. It sucks that you do Mafia Wars. And it sucks that you have a Top 100 because Lite View (aka the Profile De-Pimper) renders the 3rd party MySpace market useless and makes it so the only thing viewable on your page is that oversize banner ad for Transformers 2.

6. "Hey, Barack. Thanks for the add! Do you like Courtney?" I know I don't have a MySpace anymore, but I can call bullshit on this, right? It should just be a hotlink to Top Pick, bitches.

7. Marketing VP: What's a Hot Product these days? 

    Marketing Dude #1: Who cares.

    Marketing Dude #2: Whatever.

    Marketing VP: Cool. Let's go home. Intern, make some shit up. 

    Intern: I can almost draw a smiley face!

8. Paris Hilton already destroyed the meaning of BFF. In fact, no one actually uses BFF to mean it sincerely. BFF is some frenemy shit but that's probably what this "game show" is really about anyway. It should be called Bitches :( and feature Janice Dickinson just pouring acid on people. Wait, is this still MySpace? 

9. Toyota Music = Microsoft Tacos = Home Depot Pornography

10. Apple's kinda over the Celebrity Playlist thing but MySpace is just getting started. You're friends with Tom, right? The Tom? Hope you like 3OH!3 still. My ex-wife does.

11. Fake iTunes. Seriously. Someone needs to lose their job. 

12. How many of you love your kids? Raise your hand if you believe in safety. Ok, keep them raised, now how many of you want to start an online community and make another profile and log in everyday and talk to other people about elbow pads and shit? Fucking what? I just hit my Life Alert because I slapped myself so hard in the forehead I'm bleeding now. Good thing MySpace is promoting a special app dedicated to the general concept of not getting ouchies. 

Am I wrong here? Is this less about helmet straps and more about not getting into the white van? Safety words and panic whistles? Fine. It's about being street smart, which is great thing to promote but still. Child Safety Network? That's so uncool, mom. Drop me off a cyber block down the cyber street. 

Also, if you're curious who the stars are - the ones that signed a car - it's these clowns:

When not-famous people write on a car it's called graffiti. It's called crime. 

MySpace, what the hell happened to you? Aren't you a millionaire or something?