You Can Always Count On Motorola To Make a Phone With a Misspelled Name

It's been a minute but they're back. Introducing the Motorola Cliq with Blur. You know. A phone.

Wait, let's rewind to 2004. Motorla just released the RAZR as a $600 fashion phone that was slim, sexy and discreet. It didn't bulge pockets or have an antenna, which was rare. I hated it but whatever, it was new in so many ways. A year later the price dropped significantly and regular folks started buying them and girls realized the flatness was ideal for bedazzling and then they were pink and by 2008 Motorola had sold 110 million of them. 

Having gained (and rightfully so) a giant ego, Motorola then released a handful of gimmicky cell phones with vowel-hating names like ROKR and KRZR and no one bought them because they were ridiculous. Then Motorola chilled out a bit and stuck to what they do best; making enormous, self-promoting headsets for NFL coaches.

Then some time in early 2008, Motorola noticed everyone was making touchable, smarty-pants phones that can surf the net be all flash - even weird companies like Sanyo - so they were like, "Hold on, everyone. We revolutionized cell phones. RMMBR TH RAZR?! OK fine, we're going social too, then!"

Mistake #1: This shouldn't be in a commercial, this should be in the beginning of an internal Power Point. They think the word social has so much weight with consumers that they can sell a phone based on the fact that he or she can access Facebook or send Tweets with it. Class already started, Motorola. You're late! Stop saying social! 

Mistake #2: They're coming on a little strong. We get it. Facebook. 2/3 of this elegant screen belong to Mark Zuckerberg. He is the Daniel Plainview of this touchscreen. And don't think we didn't notice that Myspace-ass-looking Address Book button, Cliq! Come on! If Helio has taught us anything, it's when you make a social networking app (like Myspace Mobile) your one selling point you're going to fail. It's plain silly to forfeit all that tactile real estate to specific social media and then have a tiny little sprite called "Browser" for all your Internet needs. In the shape of an Earth! Don't mock me, phone. I'll bet you the "Market" connects directly to and you cannot change it. 

A screen like this, which I'm assuming is the Motoblur feature of the Cliq, might be well-suited for tweens. Which is great. BUT...

Mistake #3: This aint no phone for kids! According to the commercial, this phone belongs to a lucky guy named Brady who is a freelancer of some kind who gets invited to watch basketball games and attend secret double-agent parties and gets asked fashion advice by Trevor while sitting in traffic. All in the same minute.

Not a tween. 

Mistake #4: Make up your mind Cliq! Do you want adults or tweens using this? 

Mistake #5: The first phone with social skills? Liar. Also, too many words! All this proprietary naming is getting a little too Pokémon for me. You can take your Hulus and your Tivos and your Jumanjis and stay off my front yard! You too, Matisyahu. Get. 

Mistake #6: This one did it better.