Organic Food Needs to Chill The Fuck Out

Organic food, as a rule, is humorless. You're dealing with a healthy and honest product so the packaging needs to be serious as shit. No messing around, this is straight talk. Consequently, most organic food is actually hilarious. You ever try and pick out healthy cereal? It's like the most serious looking oats and wheat ever. 

Lucky for me, the only place to buy anything in my neighborhood is Brooklyn's Natural, a grocery so freakish about its healthiness no one even smiles because laughter spreads germs. And that sucks because shopping there is really funny. Everything on the shelf is like killing you with earnestness. Lots of earth tones, lots and lots of cardboard. As another rule, Organic food is way TMI with everything. So much text, the romance is gone. Slow down, Bran-tasia Muffins, put the sob story away, I'm gonna eat you, all right?

And check these bitches out:

Look at this dude's face. He is not here to have a good time! Doctor (seriously?) Praeger, I just want to enjoy your potato pancakes, but you're making it really hard. Please stop looking at me. And look. Don't call me Valued Customer; that's too much pressure. How could anyone be a truly enthusiastic customer of something called Dr. Praeger's Sensible Foods? Who are you aiming for? Dead people? And that last paragraph gives me the fucking willies. How about this: "They're Great!" That's all you need to say to get me excited. I believe you. You started overdoing it with the clinical words and now I'm almost positive these things taste like shit. Sorry. Who doesn't like latkes, you know? You've managed to make them sound gross. I was so excited to eat these tonight until I turned the box over and saw this. Nevermind. The honeymoon's over. Thanks, man.