Mister Interviews The Vampire Edward Cullen

Mister: Thanks for making the time to chat on the phone with me.

EC: Sure.

Mister: OK, question numero uno: Does your skin really shimmer in the sun?

EC: No, that's just for the movie.

Mister: How did they do that?

EC: They used a BeDazzler.

Mister: Did it hurt?

EC: The only pain I feel is knowing I can never truly reciprocate love. I can't age, so I can never be close to certain people I care about... and to people who care about me. I can only approximate what real love feels like. It's like whisper. A whisper of a dream. 

Mister: Right. So your baseball skills are off the chain. How'd you get like that?

EC: I don't know. I'm a vampire.

Mister: Totally. It's too bad production couldn't afford a "bat boy" for your team, right?

EC: I guess.

Mister: How come you didn't turn into bat in the movie?

EC: We don't really do that. My family-

Mister: That's good because I'm sure Bella would've had second thoughts about you if she came to your pad in the woods and found it caked with guano!

EC: Yeah... that would be unfortunate.

Mister: Do you know what guano is?

EC: Yes.

Mister: Cool. So what's up with you and Bella anyway?

EC: We're friends.

Mister: Come on, Eddie. I know that's not true. Tell me something good. 

EC: Ok then. The truth is this. I'm a vampire. I do not eat or sleep or make love in any traditional sense and by and large, nothing I do is what a human would call normal. I want to drink Bella's blood which, really, would be the human equivalent of having sex with her, eating a steak and then going to sleep for like a week. It would make me feel complete in a way I can't quite fathom, and I know you wouldn't understand. Also, she would be a vampire too and maybe then I could share with her some semblance of actual love. But that can never happen.

Mister: For sure. So set this up for me. Vampire fashion. What does it look like?

EC: Did you hear what I said?

Mister: Uh huh. But now you and Bella are at the Oscars or like, a Vampire Homecoming. What are you wearing?

EC: I don't know, man.

Mister: Yes you do.

EC: A suit.

Mister: What color?

EC: Black, I guess.

Mister: Hot. And the lady? Miss Vampire Girlfriend?

EC: She's not a vampire.

Miser: Let's pretend. 

EC: I have to go now.

Mister: To play vampire baseball? 

EC: No-

Mister: What color's the dress?

EC: Red, ok?

Mister: Like blood!

EC: Uh huh. 

Mister: Why is it that you can run and jump so fast?

EC: Because I'm a vampire! That's how I move.

Mister: How do you get your hair to do that?

EC: Do what.

Mister: Be like all, you know. Awesome.

EC: I use a lot of conditioner and I blow-dry it upside down.  

Mister: Is it vampire conditioner?

EC: No. 

Mister: Do you use a vampire blow-dryer?

EC: What the fuck are you talking about. 

Mister: Picture this. You're a high school student. 

EC: I am!

Mister: Who's your ideal prom date? Would you join the baseball team?

EC: I'm going to murder you.

Mister: Ok, Buffy or Blade. Who's scarier?

EC: You're going to die.

Mister: Garlic, crucifixes or stakes? Got a preference? 

EC: My family is outside your house right now.