The Things That Brought Them Here

"how do i vote?"

Have you ever started a Google search and then had a lightning flash of panic because you thought maybe somehow it was a person on the other end connecting you to your search results instead of a judgement-free algorithm? I do all the time and not because I'm a perv. It's because I'm a total fucking idiot based on my search terms. Also, if there is a dude populating my Google results, he's totally an Indian guy and he's never telling my friends. So that makes me feel a little better. 

One time I did an image search for "SO BIG!" Results: fat people and dicks. Duh. And a prize-winning pumpkin. Another time I Googled "how to punch properly." Also, "How long keep wine open expire." Also, "difference chicago new york pizza + why."  

BUT.

If you have your own website, there's a good chance you can see the search engine queries that refer to your address. I've listed below my favorite search terms that have directed people to Hey Mister. These are for real and totally retarded and I love them.