MTA Announces New Subway Lines

Geologists, engineers and other various city planners recently got together and basically guessed that Manhattan's new 2nd Avenue subway line, The T, will be complete sometime in 2020. Construction of 75% of the line also has no funding commitment whatsoever. Polls show that most New Yorkers think this new train is a waste of resources. With service from the Upper East Side to the Financial District, the T is essentially designed for one kind of person: your friend's friend who prefers taxis. In a move to avoid the inevitable public bash-lash and perhaps to distract themselves from their own quagmire, the MTA has already begun development of new subway lines, one or many of which will make your life (and by your life, we mean your kids' lives when they graduate from college and move to the city) more interesting in the future.

"We basically just used up the rest of the alphabet letters," said a visibly twitching MTA spokesperson. "Check'em out, they're fuckin' sweet."

"OK, we can take the 6 or the T up to meet Becky and Guy for brunch before we hit the Guggenheim. Which one do you want to take?"

"I don't care."

Also called the "Booty Train." Shuttles between the West Village, Chelsea, and the Upper West Side. Popular with adulterers. You will know at least one person who took X while taking the X and met someone while on their way to meet someone. 

Financial District to Midtown with connection to the PATH. This line connects all the douche-iest neighborhoods but if you find yourself on the H at 3 in the morning, you probably hate yourself most of all. Also this is the only line with cell service, somehow. Of course. 

Williamsburg to Flushing express. This train is good for one thing. Going to Queens and eating chinese food for breakfast. And coming back and sleeping more. So two things, really.

This one goes in a figure 8 through all five boroughs and it never stops. It's a single train that is 37 miles long. Getting on and off is really hard and it takes forever to go anywhere, but it's really fun when you're tripping. Also, because German tourists will keep getting on at Times Square and freaking out, the MTA has a rotating schedule of local celebrities as conductors. Robert De Niro and Steve Buscemi are both locked in through 2011 and you just know Steve is gonna be real funny when he announces the stops. 

"This one goes up. Wait, I mean down. Shit. I'm so stoned"

Bonus: It's carpeted.

Also called "The Do-Over." The K only has one entrance in the basement of the New York Public Library. You get on and it takes you back in time 10 minutes. Not surprisingly, behavior around the library is expected to get intense: lots of murders, break ups and marriage proposals. Also, if you get on right at midnight in the rear car, you can go 10 minutes into the future. Shhhh.

This one goes to my house.

Also known as "The Least Cool Train Ever." It goes from one end of Times Square to the other and it pretty much only serves to transport subway musicians, shirtless b-boys, kids selling candy, mariachis, comedy club promoters and The Naked Cowboy. If you get on by accident, commit suicide. 

The U is the best because it pretty much only benefits you. First of all, it's free. Also, you get on, it goes straight to David's place, it also swings by your favorite sandwich shop, that theater that plays the weird shit, and Eric and Kristen's party right when it's getting fun. Weird right? I know. It's literally the best way the MTA can spend your tax dollars.