The Only Bowling Lesson You Need

I bowl exactly the same way I shoot pool or throw darts which means I just hope for the best and every once in a while I do really well. There is no rhyme or reason to rolling correctly; it's straight chance. Regardless, rolling skill doesn't matter in bowling, and neither do the shoes or using the right ball.

The most important part of bowling is your Finishing Move.

Your Finishing Move is, 4 times out of 5, a little shrug or a hip swivel and a sheepish look back at your teammates/rivals that says, "whatevs, I'm not a bowler, anyway." Then you do a 12-foot walk of shame back to your plastic seat and take a really sad gulp of beer because inside you're 9 again and you struck out and lost the game and on top of being very, very embarrassed your 9-year old ego starts to wonder why the shit you are even trying to be athletic in the first place.

Cut to now. Same sitch except you're half drunk. The remedy? Have a kick-ass Finishing Move which is essentially never being apologetic about messing up. Own your failure. It becomes a game you cannot lose. Think about how awesome it would've been if you struck out and moonwalked back to the dugout. No one would've cared about the total lack of baseball skill because you just recovered like a motherfucker. You took back the night on embarrassment! Suddenly, no one cares about baseball because now it's about fun. Real fun. And you're Reginald P. Fun. So let's talk moves...

  • The Sleeper. This is when you roll a dud and you immediately drop to the floor and pretend you're asleep. The more exagerrated, the better. Go ahead, curl up. Acting fast is key. End it with a groggy, "Hey, what happened. Did I win?" Laughter rains all over you. You are loved.
  • The iPhone. Any cellphone will work. Roll a real stink bomb and immediately pull out your phone and start walking back to your seat, pretending to talk on it. Say things loudly like, "Yeah, I'm bowing. Totally winning," or "I don't care about this, bowling is stupid." or "I'm calling you on my new iPhone 3G." Hysterical laughing all around you. You are invincible.
  • The Little Brother. If you have or are a younger sibling, you know logic takes a backseat to screaming basically anything. So. You just shot-putted your ball right into the gutter? That's fine. Scream - seriously, as loud as possible at the top of your lungs - scream "GOOD!!" at the untouched pins and stomp back to your seat. Everyone is dying of laughter, even the owner of the bowling alley, shaking his head, wiping a tear away.
  • The Human Sacrifice. This only works 100% if you have one of those cowboy shirts with the snappy pearly buttons on it. Torpedo your ball straight to Guttertown and quickly drop to you knees, violently ripping open your shirt. Fall backwards and die. Works also with tear-away pants. People are laughing so hard, they're basically dead too.

Now you have the gift. Never walk back to your seat with people feeling sorry for you. No one wants a high five out of pity and everyone wants a high five for being supremely clever. This is more than bowling; this is fine art and your Finishing Move may just save your life. Lesson over.

*This photo is from BWL-ORAMA where I did, in fact, roll a turkey.