The Only Camping Lesson You Need

1.) Wherever you are, that's your home. Act accordingly.

2.) Your first piece of bacon is always the best. 

3.) If there is discord in your group, bunk beds enable a natural hierarchy. 

4.) Label your mug. Drinking from another man's camping mug is like kissing his girl or hitting his dog. 

5.) Alternate coffee and whiskey every hour until you no longer know what you're drinking. 

6.) Every camping trip needs a natural oddity. This is a block field; a dried-up ancient river bed of quartzite boulders. It goes for miles and it's C-R-A-Z-Y. 

7.) If it looks like a cute little birthday cupcake for a woodchuck, it's a homemade fire starter. 

8.) Sometimes you get reception in the woods and it seems really weird. 

9.) When eagles circle in a holding pattern above you, it's time to start moving your body a little bit. 

10.) Camping is about stepping out of your comfort zone. You know you are for reals camping when you see a sign telling you to be a perv.

11.) Settlers of Catan is probably a really fun game when it's not windy.

12.) If you're in the woods long enough you'll start talking about Twitter. 

13.) C.J. Hummel's totally sells beer to go. 

14.) If you happen by a general store, it's a treat to get something local. 

15.) When camping it's wise to adopt the diet of a Hobbit. 

16.) Basically, be a Hobbit.

17.) Brain teasers are a fun way to pass the time when you're camping. 

18.) If you find yourself suddenly standing in front of a Demon Flame, grab your Phoenix Lance, summon the Light of Asgoth and make that evil fire your bitch. 

The Only Taco Lesson You Need

No, I'm not talking about making tacos. "Taco Night" is for platonic friends and your roommate who's trying to "not go out as much." Eff that noize, you're looking to get into some trouble tonight and that means you're already a few pints deep, you can't stop yelling, and - hey, look at that - someone's got twenty dollaaaaaars. In caaaaaaash. Do you realize how many tacos that's going to buy? Like a hundred. Ok, first things first. Don't be a vegetarian. I like veggie tacos too, but if we're doing this for real, you gotta know that the guys who make these tacos don't care about anything. They live to eat and they eat to die. So get down with the OG protein. Also, be in the Bay Area. Like the Mission, speciff.

  • Lighting. My brother Chris originally had the Inverse Taco to Light theory, which stipulates the quality of light in the establishment is inversely proportional to the quality of the tacos. Nice, well-lit eateries will serve you sloppy joes on pita and tacos under flickering fluorescent lights taste so great, they'll give your tongue Stockholm Syndrome.
  • Signage. Essentially, everything opposite is true in a taqueria. Start with the front. The sign needs to be old as fuck and not make any sense. The less it says tacos, the better the tacos. For example, "Tio Pablo's Taco Fiesta," has the worst tacos you've ever smelled. "Unleaded Gas," on the other hand has tacos so good you don't even care about the screwdriver in your back.
  • Menu. No menu. Ok, fine. If they have one, it's covered in duct tape and corrections. These guys don't give a shit and neither do you. You want the truth and the truth is tacos. That's your one-word passport to Yummy Town, hermanito. What do you want in it? Everything, bitch.
  • Decor. Less is more. That's universal enough, but it's definitely the rule here because if you see a sombrero on the wall or like, a cactus dressed like a little bandito with revolvers and shit you better run. That means they're trying too hard on the surface which spells you having diarrhea in 20 minutes, and in 20 minutes you're in the bar with no toilet. LOLZ.
  • Salsa. In bins with a big spoons, not in bottles or jars. If it's in a bottle it's probably made in Secaucus and it's probably called Dave's Wicked Hot Loser Sauce. Homemade is the only way. Mix the green and red together to save time.
  • Beer. Yep.

I think that's it. Oh right. The actual taco.

  • Taco. If they have sour cream as an ingredient, bounce. If they only have flour tortillas, bounce. If they ask if you want brown rice, fucking bounce, if they're like, "black or pinto beans?" say, "pinto," and then bounce. If you get guac and they don't charge you extra, don't bounce. Eat fast and don't wipe your hands til you're totally done. Ok, now we're good. Also, if you want to know what a non-human tongue tastes like, order a taco with lengua. Eating tacos For Real is about being cool with a little mystery. Don't look at me like that, stop drinking then. And quit bumming cigarettes.

This light literally makes things darker.

Despite having no pool tables or soccer anything, the tacos were plentiful.

Happy Holidays, from We Don't Fuk Around With Decorations & Taco Inc.

I wonder what's covered up on the menu. Just kidding no I don't.

Here.

It's kind of like the beer is the dad and he's got a bunch of baby salsa twins with different personalities.

The Only Karaoke Lesson You Need

  • Know the words. The TV is for suckers. 
And here's a couple more for the road. 
  • If you wanna be fun but can't handle the high notes, try a Pretenders song. 
  • If you're down with the highs, go with Justin Timberlake and don't stop til they turn the lights on. No more Michael Jackson for a while. He's retired. 
  • You can dance if you want to. 
  • If you see a pretty girl, share the mic with her when it comes time to scream. You score fun points for being generous and for being 80s. 
  • Every once in a while, throw a punch or two. You're still tough so don't let people forget it, ya know? Damn right.
  • Keep it street. You start singing too well and your Medal of Honor turns into a Medal of Yawner.
  • Fun Karaoke is about digging up a gem that no one expected. Two back-to-back slows or a 1950s cheese-out or a misogynistic hip hop number keep things crispy. 
  • Pretty Fly for a White Guy is 10 years old; everything is an oldie now so go nuts. 
  • The two most important syllables in the Umbrella Song are not EL-LA. They're BE-ER.

The Only Bowling Lesson You Need

I bowl exactly the same way I shoot pool or throw darts which means I just hope for the best and every once in a while I do really well. There is no rhyme or reason to rolling correctly; it's straight chance. Regardless, rolling skill doesn't matter in bowling, and neither do the shoes or using the right ball.

The most important part of bowling is your Finishing Move.

Your Finishing Move is, 4 times out of 5, a little shrug or a hip swivel and a sheepish look back at your teammates/rivals that says, "whatevs, I'm not a bowler, anyway." Then you do a 12-foot walk of shame back to your plastic seat and take a really sad gulp of beer because inside you're 9 again and you struck out and lost the game and on top of being very, very embarrassed your 9-year old ego starts to wonder why the shit you are even trying to be athletic in the first place.

Cut to now. Same sitch except you're half drunk. The remedy? Have a kick-ass Finishing Move which is essentially never being apologetic about messing up. Own your failure. It becomes a game you cannot lose. Think about how awesome it would've been if you struck out and moonwalked back to the dugout. No one would've cared about the total lack of baseball skill because you just recovered like a motherfucker. You took back the night on embarrassment! Suddenly, no one cares about baseball because now it's about fun. Real fun. And you're Reginald P. Fun. So let's talk moves...

  • The Sleeper. This is when you roll a dud and you immediately drop to the floor and pretend you're asleep. The more exagerrated, the better. Go ahead, curl up. Acting fast is key. End it with a groggy, "Hey, what happened. Did I win?" Laughter rains all over you. You are loved.
  • The iPhone. Any cellphone will work. Roll a real stink bomb and immediately pull out your phone and start walking back to your seat, pretending to talk on it. Say things loudly like, "Yeah, I'm bowing. Totally winning," or "I don't care about this, bowling is stupid." or "I'm calling you on my new iPhone 3G." Hysterical laughing all around you. You are invincible.
  • The Little Brother. If you have or are a younger sibling, you know logic takes a backseat to screaming basically anything. So. You just shot-putted your ball right into the gutter? That's fine. Scream - seriously, as loud as possible at the top of your lungs - scream "GOOD!!" at the untouched pins and stomp back to your seat. Everyone is dying of laughter, even the owner of the bowling alley, shaking his head, wiping a tear away.
  • The Human Sacrifice. This only works 100% if you have one of those cowboy shirts with the snappy pearly buttons on it. Torpedo your ball straight to Guttertown and quickly drop to you knees, violently ripping open your shirt. Fall backwards and die. Works also with tear-away pants. People are laughing so hard, they're basically dead too.

Now you have the gift. Never walk back to your seat with people feeling sorry for you. No one wants a high five out of pity and everyone wants a high five for being supremely clever. This is more than bowling; this is fine art and your Finishing Move may just save your life. Lesson over.


*This photo is from BWL-ORAMA where I did, in fact, roll a turkey.