3 Things I Invented in my Sleep

My Dad stacks his firewood into little domes because he had a dream where he tried it and the wood held together really well. And it does. 

Usually when you wake up still clinging to a great idea, you never have enough time to write it down before it decays completely. In those desperate moments I grope for my phone or a pen or a magazine like a sad old geezer; too weak to reach, too disoriented to grasp. Too foggy to focus. 

Invariably, I'll remember one tiny bit and commit it to memory but over the course of days and weeks, it erodes to a single useless phrase: Spray paint coming out of a pen. Soft metal. Milk that sort of tastes like peanut butter. Just a jawbone to the skeleton of what was a fully-realized and totally sweet idea in my head. Shit. 

Humans are doomed animals because our minds hate us. 

Below are the last three idea fossils I extracted from dreams. These are million (or billion) dollar ideas, y'all.

1. Double Water

Double Water is the best. It's all the greatest things about water times two. It's like Gatorade but it tastes like water. This is perfect for runners, army guys, athletes, people with hangovers, backpackers. Double Water makes water look like an asshole. 

2. The 24 Real Time Clock

Everyone loves Real Time. There's no waiting, no fakery and no messing around. Shit is happening right now! I can't think of a better way to commemorate the passage of Real Time in Real Time than with the 24 Real Time Clock. It's got Jack Bauer's face on it, so you know that the time is Real. And also For Real

 3. Really Big Business Cards

Really Big Business Cards will make you stand out. Especially if they're made of metal. Whoever you give your RBBC to will have to mount it on the wall of his or her office because it won't fit into a rolodex or a card book. And there they are, staring at your name and phone number all day. Take your RBBC's with you on your trip to Japan. They will flip.