Washington DC in 12 Easy Steps

Step 1: Make Emily DVR the Woodie Awards so you can see yourself in a David Cross Sandwich. This has nothing to do with DC, but just don't forget, ok?

Step 2: Get up early. Be real hung over and go to the train station. Stare for a full minute at the Departures screen and try to find your train. Realize that Penn Station is a terrible old institution that doesn't have the resources or personnel on hand to address that their Departures and Arrivals are switched. 

Step 3: Recall that article you read where that Amtrak exec was bellyaching that people didn't ride trains anymore. Get mad because there's no station agents to complain to.

Optional: Buy a breakfast sandwich and eat it angrily.

Step 4: Get to DC and meet your Mom at Borders. Also discover your new favorite literary genre.

Washington DC Fun Fact #1: Thug Lovin' is a novel.

Washington DC Fun Fact #2: Caramel Flava II is a name.

Step 5: Go to the National Gallery and check out the Tara Reid Exhibit. 

Step 6: Oh shit. John Singer Sargent is sort of your new faves artist (behind Caramel Flaves).

Step 7: Getdafuckouttahere! Literally run to the Dig it! The Secrets of Soil exhibit and cut in front of a bunch of kids so your mom can take a picture of you standing in front of dirt from all the different states. Be happy that something like this is for real.

Step 8: Continue to be amazed and delighted by all the soil-related signage. Right? 

Step 9: Terra Cotta soldiers exhibit. No pics allowed. Lame. The Emperor even had terra cotta pets! Also those soldiers look mad Asian.

Step 10: Drink Beer. Oops, you're drunk. 

Step 11: Marvel at DC's superior Departures and Arrivals screens. Then get mad again because what the hell, what's so hard about that? It's goddamn Excel. It's like New York is proud of being slow. 

Optional: Start comparing everything DC / New York. Garbage on tracks etc. Eventually call it a draw because you're like, Indian Food. 

Step 12: Yay mom! Strangers always give you lots of head room. I think it's so you can add word bubbles later.