Even Make Believe Women Are More High Maintenance Than Make Believe Men

Check out Betty Crocker over here. Man, she loves face-lifts. The poor gal can't seem to stop herself. Just kidding. The Betty Crocker face is definitely an example of design by committee (men and women for the record), having changed an average of once every 6 years, so far, for 88 years. These are some of the highlights.

Slow down, Benjamin Button! Little girls sell cookies, not cakes. Check out 1936; Helloooo, Jane Austen! And 1986. That's my favorite Betty, classic 80s working girl, floppy silky bow tie thing and all. That, to me, is her Brad Pitt-on-a-motorcycle age where she would just stay, unchanged, meandering in a house with a mattress on the living room floor for some retarded reason. Also, I think they modeled 1965 - 1972 directly on Mary Tyler Moore. I mean, that is straight-up MTM, right there. 

But something very interesting happened in 1996.

Cool. Wait, what? Composite face?

Jeepers. 1996 Betty isn't real! She's a poly-racial multi-facial femme-bot sent from the future back in time to change the cake-eating experience forever. Which is funny because before I knew that, she was the only version of Betty I didn't trust. I bet you felt the same, right? This is why Terminators will never win. Human's can tell. 

Anyway, OK. Fine. Betty Crocker is literally a diplomatic tool. That's what mascots and icons are sort of for, right? No harm done. But where else can we find examples of this sort of commercial surgery? Surely it's not just a Betty Crocker thing. Surely we have other fabricated spokespeople who keep up with the Multi-Everything Joneses?


Mr. Brawny got what was coming to him. It only took 30 years and a Mach 9. He only gets one update? Sure, it's a doozy; He went from being the oldest Wilson brother who's a borderline hippie to the Republican (he's so Republican) wedgie-giving President of Sig Ep. But really, it's all about this (I'm pointing to my mustache). How did Proctor & Gamble figure out that our favorite porn star lumberjack had to lose his mustache? Wait for it. They interviewed women.

Here's some other peeps you might know:

  • Aunt Jemima has gone through 20+ makeovers over a 100 period. Most recently she lost her red bandana, has fuller hair and wears pearl earings. It's clear Mrs. Huxtable was their only point of reference.
  • Colonel Sanders has gotten four face-lifts in 50 years. He lost his white suit, got straight hair and wears a company apron which makes me think KFC only hires seniors. 
  • Uncle Ben hasn't updated his look but his persona is transformed so now he's not a butler. He's a business man. Wearing a butler's outfit.
  • Mr. Clean maintains a solid record of never having changed. Ever.