Dear Entertainment Weekly: You're So Bad at Lying

Do you still read magazines? I'm talking about in your home. And New York Magazine doesn't count. 

I just read an Entertainment Weekly, which has basically been downgraded to one of those 20-page mini-mags that you find glued inside a larger magazine. It's mad gossipy, nonsensical, and I think the entire thing was written by Diablo Cody. Sonofabitch it's bad. 

One of EW's new things is to pretend its a pop culture maven and people are writing to them like maniacs to get any scrap of info they can on some shit. It's not that they have to write this stuff; the people want to know! Look at this.

A: Hi Henry. If you were a fan, you wouldn't ask that. You would watch Ugly Betty. 

A: Abby, what are you? If you're writing in because you love Prison Break, then why do you want know what's hap - nevermind, you're not real. 

A: Haha. There are no Numb3rs fans. You don't exist, Hope. (Nice touch on the name, E Dubs!) Who the hell says scoop, anyway?

Chris. Dude. Clearly you don't have wife and clearly you don't beat her because if you did, you'd know that you can get a 6-pack of these "undershirts" at a gas station for a high five. Distressed or new, whatevs. Oh yeah. You're not real either. Shit.

Get it? Because Twilight came out months ago. Grrr. It goes on and on.

You know when your friend lies to you and it's a totally half-assed lie and you're more insulted that it was a bad lie than the fact that your friend told you one? Entertainment Weekly doesn't need to lie like this. They can be honest. Bella's jacket is cool. Just say where it's from and that it's $700. When you pull some half-baked JV shit like pretending people are ravenously looking for the exact same white ribbed tank tops that Wolvie has, it just makes me sad that we're not cool anymore. 

And me and EW were cool once. I used to subscribe to Entertainment. My whole family would read it. They had tough critics, amazing illustration, funny writers. They were the first magazine to make mix CDs.

Now their back page is a phony version of NYM's Approval Matrix but you know, like edited by a little girl.

Also, I was only joking when I said Diablo Cody wrote the whole thing. She only wrote this part.