Doritos Totally Get Time-Specific On Our Asses
One of the great leaps forward in the field of product development was the concept of splitting one item into multiple categories or tiers. It allowed a manufacturer to boast a seeming wider variety of merchandise, stagger prices and dupe consumers into thinking they have the ultimate power of choice. This is why there's 22 different flavors of Mountain Dew. Tylenol and Extra Strength Tylenol. Regular gas, Premium and the one in the middle. They even made a Super Soaker 60.
Doritos, bless their orange powdery hearts, already has like 50 different varieties. And despite the fact that basically everyone eats Cool Ranch exclusively, they were still like, "Fuck this. Night Time Doritos, bitch."
O, Tacos at Midnight. How you seduce me! Minimal flare, so desolate, so depraved! Neon, just like a bar! Look at those two little Doritos, showing the goods under a dim street light like a couple of Gluten Free whores. But you can't call it an initiative with just one product. We need a product line, people. What else do burn-outs eat late at night?
Poppers, I guess? Shrug. P.S. Don't look now, but one of these bags is down with the MSG.
The thing is, it's not like Doritos got their market wrong. They know who eats them. They knew 25 years ago that people who eat them are single, they stay up late and you know, they're sort of losers. LOOK:
That's exactly the problem. People have always eaten Doritos at night. No one eats them during the day. I did once at a BBQ and it felt wrong like eating stuffing not on Thanksgiving or having a beer with my salad. I think it's the way sunlight reflects on the powdered cheese, but whatever the reason, sun and Doritos don't mix. That's why we have Sun Chips, hello.
Calling a special kind of Dorito Late Night is like calling a special kind of Pampers Poopin' Time. Even stoners are offended by it. It takes all the fun out of "finding" the perfect munchie. A T-Rex has to hunt, you pandering triangle-slingers!
Plus, now that they designated an exclusive part of their product to be eaten at night, it makes all the other Doritos look like they were meant for daytime consumption by default, which ultimately means parent Frito-Lay doesn't understand their product or target.
And knowing what you know now, doesn't it make the rest of the 'ritos family seem sad?
Q: What's the difference between Daytime Taco Doritos and Late Night Taco Doritos?
A: After you eat the Daytimes and start sobbing, you have to call your ex-girlfriend at her work number.
If Doritos needs a barometer on how micro-niche'ing a product pans out over time, they should ask bartenders how many patrons are ordering rounds of Miller Chill these days.
