Like You Didn't Expect Bratz Pop'N Stick Eyez® To Be Amazing

So check it out, you jerks. You can hate on Bratz all you want but let's get one thing straight: Shut up.

Pop'N Stick, bitches. 

We all know the best part of a Bratz is the eyes. They're one part crazy, one part danger and three parts DTF. The "Sleepy Fuck Eye" is what gives Bratz their particular identity (that and the absence of a nose) and now you can make any object a Bratz doll by popping some of these creepy peepers on.

Did you know that Bratz maker MGA Entertainment is quietly making $19 trillion every quarter selling these little plastic hookers to our innocent children? Yes, still. Bratz are like MILF porn and that pre-made Chex Mix. You're like, who's buying this stuff? And the answer is EVERYONE. Even you. 

So you're a part of the problem and you can't stop buying Bratz dolls because you're a perv and they're selling like slutty hot cakes and the world is a terrible, dark place.

I'm kidding, you're not buying Bratz because you're a decent person and you are shocked by a make up wearing baby in a thong.

I have no idea what kids are into these days. Ironically child's entertainment today passes through a lot more filters than the toys and cartoons of my youth, almost all of which were more than a little homoerotic and 100% drug-influenced. 

But Bratz have somehow slipped past many of the traditional toy/show watchdogs and ended up becoming the most money-makingest toy manufacturer ever, even going on to influence Mattel to make Barbie a puffy-lipped Anime wannabe.  

Bratz have even moved into that other precious girlhood territory: Ponies. 

'Scuse me. Ponyz.

This reminds me of that joke.

Q: What does a slutty horse eat?

A: Horse dicks. And also oats. 

Whatever. It's the EYEZ. Look at these creatures. 

I'm kidding again. Bratz have been off the market since 2008. Not because they're monstrous self image-mutators, but because the guy who invented them did so while working for Barbie and lawsuits happened. Sometimes Non-competes do good! 

Which means Bratz Pop'N Sticks are totally mine. So I'm changing my position again. These eyes are fucking sexy. They make everything sexy. Let's take these Pop 'N Sticks for a spin in the real world.

Ooh, now I really want this thing on my lap.

How stupid is the inflatable fish on the left? And how bad do you want to hook up with the fish on the right? Exactly.

Damn, Stapler. I wanna get to know you better. Where's your favorite place to eat, girl?

Filing Cabinet, I'm gonna take you shopping. Then I'm gonna put some folders in you. 

This Beta deck is being so sassy right now. You don't know what you're doing to me right now!

Don't look at me like that, Dude's Shoulder. Seriously let me get you a drink. 

Color is just a state of mind, boo. 

Nice stomach, dummy. I'm so sick of these boring stomachs. Oh! That's better. That's a stomach with a little sex appeal. Fucking finally.

Sup Lindsay. With eyes like that you're gonna get stalked.

Oh shit. I wanna stop, drop and roll all over this extinguisher. Can you hear me in there? Do you like Thai? 

Flaunt it, Wall. 

Listen baby. Your sexiness can never be replicated.

Twinz. Nice.